The Monster Lying in My Head (Failure)

I'm tired of being this way..

Emptiness and alone.
I don’t know which way to go.
Each step I take feels heavier than the last one,
Wondering if I can keep my head above water
Or if it will take me away with it, no matter what.

Hoping it just might.
The anguish I feel,
Day to day, just wish it would go away.
Go to the doctor,
Go to the therapist,
Seek medical help.

Nothing seems to help.
Nothing.

This emptiness, tugging at my bootstraps, lingers like a bad taste in my mouth—
Like day-old milk.

I’m not afraid of dying.
I’m afraid of the pain.
I’m a coward and have no strength to act on what I really want
Because I have no fearless qualities left in me.

Dying sometimes seems easier.
At least I’ll be home again, where I belong, with my birth mother and father.
I am tired of feeling like a failure.
This high, unattainable expectation I have for myself seems unachievable.
The weight of depression and anxiety ruins all the drive and fight I have in me.
I am tired and so exhausted from everything.

What else can I do?

What am I supposed to do?

But die. Or cry myself to death.

I have no one who is truly mine.
I have no one.
And no one wants me anyway.
Not in the way I want.